Dozens killed as Russian plane carrying hockey team crashes:
A. ...In what fans are calling the sport's coolest fight ever.
B. ...In what is being described as a botched V-formation by disappointed Emilio Estevez.
C. ...The crash was both sponsored and caused by Absolut Vodka.
D. ...Their story is being made into a major motion picture entitled Charlie Sheen's Mighty Ducks.
Macbook Air doubles as Kitchen knife:
A. ...also, suicide note.
B. ...The macbook pro meanwhile only doubles as a claymore.
C. ...Says chef who hates windows.
D. ...Says Drunk father giving son a kitchen knife for his birthday.
Tropical storms Nate and Maria Form:
A. ...Newest couple on the Weather Channel's hit, Dancing with the Shards
B. ...Meteorologsts to downgrade Nate's status to "Totally Whipped."
9-1-1 Audio released from iHop massacre:
A. …IHOP fulltime employee welcomes the syrupy sweet release of death.
B. ..."These crappy pancakes hardly soak up any blood!" says disappointed wound victim.
C. ..."I asked for blueberry syrup" says confused senior being shot in the face.
D. Killing 25 people and zero dreams.
Mayor: NYC Roaring back after 9/11:
A. …Old york city "probably never coming back."
B. …Some say the recovery was an "inside job."
C. …"You know, 'roaring' back," adds Mayor, "like a frightened mob or jet engine."
Fashion Week Boosts Local Economy:
A. ...Lowers local self-esteem.
B. ...Also boosts economies in Laos, Cambodia, and other "sweatshop nations."
C. ...Also boosted, local bulimia.
D. ...Fashion Week Bras boost local breasts.
Local 63 year-old Oldest Ballperson at US Open:
A. ..."I still prefer to go by 'Ball Boy'" says creepy old man.
B. ..."My Geoffry doesn't know the meaning of the word 'retire'," says soon-to-be widow.
C. ...Until stunning last minute reveal "I'm not actually local, suckers!"
Experts say Remote Alaskan Volcano Might Errupt Soon:
A. ...Eskimos cautioned to "stop being eskimos already!"
B. ...Ambiguous definitions of "soon," "might," and "Experts,"all brought into doubt by hungry polar bear.
C. ...As god attempts to create new temperature scientists have dubbed "coolata."
D. ...Clouding out Sarah Palin's view of Russian Plane Crash.